Tuesday, 10 November 2020
Thursday, 8 November 2012
1st Day Thursday 8/11/07

I have created this site to log my progress or lack of it in the writing world. And also as a document of my illness.
I have just finished a short story writing course run by ICS. This was quite a challenging course, but the materials and Tutors have been superb. They also have excellent web facilities that allow you to keep up to date on your assignments.
The biggest problem I face as a lone writer is procrastination. There is nobody here to crack the whip and I seem to find anything more interesting than sitting in front of a blank screen on a morning or evening. I can work and produce under pressure and I will have to find someway of making my own deadlines mean something.
Anyway I would just like to pass on one nugget of information I was told by the Psychiatrist yesterday. I mentioned I was in the process of "Brain storming" some ideas for a book. He told me it was no longer politically correct to say those words. The words now were "Thought showers." I will have to think about that one.
Cheers.
Wednesday, 7 November 2012
DAY 2 Friday 9/11/07
The rest of the time I have been trying to keep up with our puppy, COCO. He is a cross between a Staffordshire bull terrier and a Labrador. He has all the tenacity of a bull terrier combined with the reach and intelligence of a Labrador so nothing is safe. I heard a crash from the kitchen about fifteen minutes ago and he had managed to pull down a biscuit tin and gobble down the contents before I could reach him. I have also lost two pairs of spectacles since he arrived, I have searched everywhere including the garden but they have gone.
My health at the moment is not too good. I am suffering from what is known as" Mixed Affective Disorder."
This is when your mood feel very depressed but your mind is still behaving as though you are on a high. Which in my case means constant rapid thoughts and no sleep. I have been given the strongest and largest dose of sleeping pills but they still do not work. If you talk to people with Bi-Polar disorder they will tell you that a certain amount of being high is really nice. Suddenly you are feeling energised and quick thinking. The problem arises when you go too far and start to do stupid things, financially, physically and otherwise.
I have no idea how long this particular mood will last, it could be two weeks or two months.
It's quite a sunny day today but the wind is very cold. I live in a small market town which mainly consists of charity shops and estate agents. It does have a very good library though which I am grateful for.
My wife has just left for work, she works part time behind the bar at a local social club and I think she enjoys getting out of the house and meeting people. We don't get to socialise much due to my lack of income and health.
I was reading a speech by Stephen King yesterday. He said he had spent years doing two jobs and then typing on a secondhand typewriter in his mobile home with his wife in the evenings. He
just had a belief in himself and eventually wrote the novel "Carrie" which propelled him to fame.
So while there is still a glimmer of hope I will keep bashing out short stories and poetry.
On that note I will end.
Cheers.
Tuesday, 6 November 2012
DAY 3 Saturday 10/11/07
Our puppy COCO pulled off a neat trick last night. I was helping myself to some stew, I put the ladle down whilst I poured a cup of tea and when I looked around. No COCO and no ladle. I searched the kitchen and went outside and saw COCO on the garden but no ladle. Of course it was dark so I had to get a torch and search the garden and the bushes (his favourite hiding place) but I couldn't find it. The rest of the family had to manage with a dessert spoon for serving. About an hour later I went into the kitchen and on the floor was the ladle and the puppy sitting in his bed looking innocent as usual.
I shall be doing some voluntary work this afternoon at the local Cancer charity shop, I normally do Friday afternoons but didn't feel well enough yesterday. I don't feel much better today but I don't want to let them down again.
I will be working on some more of the chapters for my book again today, just rough jottings to get some sort of structure before I really get into it. I seem to need to really plan my work before I can lay the flesh on it.
Well that's all for now.
Monday, 5 November 2012
Day 4 Sunday 11/11/07
This is the demon Coco. Looks quite nice doesn't he. Don't be fooled, he is thinking, how can I get that camera off him and lose it.
This morning whilst I was cutting the front lawn, he dragged in a large piece of old bark and chewed it up all over the floor. The mess was horrendous but not only that, it was full of wood louse as well.
My grandaughter has visited this morning so the place is alive with noise and toys. I have taken refuge in my office(Broom cupboard) to get some peace.
The photo is my grandaughter.
Sunday, 4 November 2012
Blog 5 Tuesday 13th November 2007
My illness as I suspected has gone from being very low to being high. I spent a lot of money that we don't have yesterday on things we don't need. That means I spent the food money, so we will be living on beans and toast this week. I feel really guilty about it now but yesterday I had no perception of what I was doing. The trouble with being high is you can be doing wrong and people tell you it is wrong but you just don't believe them. You can even convince people that they are wrong. The good side of being high is that you feel so alive and full of ideas. It is such a great feeling after the gloom of depression. The problem is dealing with the aftermath and the effect you have had on your loved ones.
Coco is still being Coco. He seems to be on a pemanent high always looking for any opportunity to cause havoc. He is a way of meeting people though. Whenever you walk him, other dog owners will insist on coming over and saying hello. The trouble is he is so excited he ends up doing somersaults on the lead and getting tangled up with the other dog. He also has a habit of peeing on the other people in his excitement..
I am back at the Charity shop today, they need some extra help because of Christmas.
See Ya.
Saturday, 3 November 2012
Blog 6: Saturday 17/11/07
I ran out of medication last week and couldn't afford to buy more. This happens when I am ill I forget to keep a check on my supply and budget. Stopping medication suddenly is not a good idea as it can trigger all sorts of responses. I got ill after about three days and it felt I suppose how an addict must feel doing cold turkey. I had sweats, uncontrollable shaking, stomach ache and violent headaches. I could only retire to bed and wait. Yesterday I never got up or ate or drank all day I felt too ill. My wife picked up my medication yesterday afternoon and I feel better already. I still have the shakes and headache but not the sweating and sickness.
I have just had Coco in the office while I was working on my book, but he turned it into chaos. He heads straight for the waste basket and empties it and chew es all the paper. Then he started on the PC cables and then grabbed my good pen and got under a comfy chair I have. After about fifteen minutes of interruptions I had to put him back in the kitchen were he is at least out of sight.
I am going to a writer's group this afternoon. It is my first visit so I am a bit nervous.
See Ya.
Friday, 2 November 2012
Blog 7: Thursday 22/11/07
I am currently working through Stephen Fry's book on poetry, "The Ode Less Travelled."
This is an excellent book if you wish to learn about Poetry, it is explained in simple language and there are plenty of examples and exercises. It has been a real eye opener for me.
We weighed Coco yesterday as he is six months old. He weighed 13.3 kilo's about 2 stone 3 pounds. He has still got a lot of growing to do yet. He can already knock you over when he is playing.
See Ya.
Thursday, 1 November 2012
Blog8: Sunday 25/11/07

Coco played a blinder yesterday. My wife bought a 20 piece dinner service from a charity shop. She brought it home in a plastic bin and I carried it through and put it on the kitchen table. We went to the car to get the shopping and all of a sudden heard a huge bang and crash. I ran to the kitchen and found that Coco had pulled the tablecloth and dragged the box off the table. Everything was smashed. We managed to salvage, two dinner plates a mug and two egg cups.
I am beginning to think this dog is possessed.
The writing has been harder than ever. I have got all the chapters marked out but writing each one is proving difficult. My concentration is not so good at present.
Still nobody ever said it would be easy, 64000 words have to start one word at a time.
Cheers.
Wednesday, 31 October 2012
Blog 9: Tuesday 27/11/07
I have spent a few hours today bashing away at the keyboard. I have re-written Chapter 1 of my book as I didn't feel it had a dramatic enough hook at the start. I have written over a thousand words in the past two hours and I am taking a break from Finking.
Coco has been remarkably good today. He has only destroyed one box of coffee pods that I had bought and left on the work surface. My fault entirely of course.
I have had to go back onto my full dosage of tablets again as things were beginning to move downwards really quickly. Even I was scared this time. I don't know why I just cannot accept that I will be on medication for the rest of my life and I will have to put up with nasty side effects.
Tuesday, 30 October 2012
blog 10: Wednesday 28/11/07
Monday, 29 October 2012
Blog 11: Monday 3/12/07
Coco has been his usual self. He seems intent on wrecking the whole house. You cannot leave any object unattended because he will steal it and chew it up. You can't even stroke him because he takes it as play and starts to bite and chew on your hands. Yesterday he went on a mad dash around the living room, bouncing of the sofa's and chairs and eventually launching himself behind the television and pulling all the wires out of the back of it. My wife keeps telling me he is only a puppy and he will grow out of it. I hope she is right, we can't afford to replace many more items.
It was supposed to be a work day today but I had a terrible night last night and woke up with a cold. I have just been moping about all day feeling really tired. Still there is always tomorrow.
See Ya.
Sunday, 28 October 2012
Blog 12: 9th December 07
I am doing an Open University writing course alongside my work on the book and I find it really inspiring. It forces you to write everyday no matter what it is, from free writing to poetry.
I have not been well again lately. My mood dropped and I had suicidal thoughts and had to receive extra help from my medical team. They are thinking of starting again from scratch with my medication because I am rapid cycling all the time. It is exhausting when your mood is swinging from elation to depression sometimes in the same day.
Anyway that's enough for today,
See Ya.
Saturday, 24 March 2012
Coming Back
First sinking into the depths of depression and then into an uncontrollable high.
Depression is very depressing. Your life slowly closes in around you until it chokes you almost to death. The darkness that follows you around is excruciatingly painful to endure and brings forward ideas of taking your life to release yourself from the constant pain. It is difficult to explain real depression. Your mind becomes full of differing voices each one suggesting a different darker outcome to your situation. You start to live your life inside your head. Washing, cleaning teeth or eating all go by the by. The only thing to do is to retreat totally from life. Retire to a quiet room, don't answer the phone or door. As you sink lower then comes the physical signs. Limbs have flu like aches. Sweating and stomach ache. Head full of argument and counter argument until you scream out, Stop! STOP!.
You have your visits from the Community Nurse. You ask to go into hospital, you are told there are no beds. Your medication is "tweaked" up and down. Gradually, long day follows long day and you start to recover. My first signs are usually to shave off weeks of beard growth and have a long bath. Stinking clothes are thrown away and a new face begins to greet me on a morning in the mirror.
Gradually strength builds and even trips outside become possible. Life slowly returns to normal. Friends are greeted and not avoided, writing and creativity starts to make a welcome return and family life is patched up once more.
After about six weeks I am feeling fully recovered and life is becoming joyful. The only trouble is, it is without my knowledge becoming too joyful. My mood is slowly becoming higher and higher. I am getting lots of ideas now for writing. I am staying up late finishing projects, short stories, poetry, it is fantastic. Then I realise I need to start some writing courses to improve my writing. I spend money that I can't afford. It doesn't matter, I can always eat less.
My wife spots the signs and tries to talk to me but to no avail. I see her as trying to ruin my creativity. For once in my life I am happy and the work is flowing. More books are purchased, most remain unopened on the office floor. By now I am hardly sleeping at all. My temper and aggression are frightening both inside the house and outside. Even I know I am becoming unhinged, but I cannot stop.
Eventually, near exhaustion, I agree to take increased medication. I sleep nights and days. My mind is filled with cotton wool and I cannot concentrate even on reading a book. Further weeks pass, medication is once again "tweaked" and I slowly return to what society deems as normal.
As I write this I know I have been through one of the most destructive periods of this year. My marriage needs repair again, my finances are destroyed and I am left feeling frightened once again that this could happen again next week.
Stephen Fry had a documentary about Manic Depression. During the programme certain celebs were asked whether they would get rid of their illness if they could. They all said no, it would affect their creativity. Let me tell you, they cannot have the same illness that I have. I would get rid of this illness immediately if I could, most of the stuff I created during illness turns out to be total crap.
I and my family have been through a real Hell, I now hope I can get back to a "normal" life.
Sorry if this installment has been a bummer, hopefully there will be a few more regular contributions soon.
Bryan.
Friday, 10 October 2008
Tuesday, 30 September 2008
Monday, 29 September 2008
Friday, 19 September 2008
Writing Tip
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Good luck everyone.
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